This isn't a secret I'll never tell....

Besok Ujian Mikro

2012-01-05T01:30:00.001+07:00

Besok ujian Mikro. Serem. Tegang. Tapi udah gatau juga mau baca apa. Atau ngerjain apa. Terus pegang BB, orang-orang sudah tidur, gatau mau ngapain, akhirnya mobile blogging. Aneh rasanya ngetik dalam bahasa Indonesia. Terasa diekspos banget. Terasa terekspos banget. Terasa ketawan banget. Terasa kebuka banget topengnya. Terasa asli banget. Terlalu asli.

Sebenernya hidup tuh lagi seru. Seru banget. Lagi kerasa banget hidup nya. Makanya ga cocok sebenernya untuk tiba-tiba harus mood belajar buat UAS. Ga cocok banget.

Lucu ya. Kalo ngeliat gimana-gimananya semua hal di sekitar. Kayak, semua jalan sendiri-sendiri, ga jelas alasannya. Kayak, tiba-tiba kejadian ini, atau itu, ga jelas juga alasannya kenapa. Emang, iya kok, semua hal terjadi karena suatu alasan. Cuma ya kadang ga cukup beruntung aja untuk bisa nebak apa ya alasannya.

Seru banget. Hidup banget. Alhamdu....lillah. Cuma itu dia seremnya, ketika semuanya serba wuah, semua rasanya ga mijak. Ga berpijak. Kayak, hahahaha, terus udah. Kayak, wahaaw wohoooo, terus apa. Gitu. Seru banget. Bahagia banget. Rasanya bebas banget. Lepas banget. Ya iya. Tapi kira-kira pas roda kehidupan meletakkan kondisi jadi di bawah, (azik), gimana ya? Ya, ga pengen.

Susah ya. Manusia. Dikasih buruk-buruk, mellow. Dikasih seneng, sibuk mikirin kalo udahan gimana. Tapi, gapapa. Seengganya masih mikir kan berarti? Ga ngalor ngidul ga pake otak.

Alhamdu...lillah.
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Happy New Year

2012-01-02T19:38:00.002+07:00

To try to locate where I was when 2011 started. I remember the New Year's Eve. I remember the closest things, and the closest people. And then.....that's it.

2011. What I can recall is a lot of happiness. Accomplishments. Changes. And how it went so fast. So, so, fast, everything's blurry. It's true. You only remember the things that really mattered. You only remember the things that made great impacts on you. You only remember the ending of things.

And it is good. To recall the endings, acknowledge what they've led you to, and hold no regret, because as it turned out, the beginnings didn't quite lingers with you that much, did they?

2011. Was a great year. The greatest year yet. And it ended really well.

And this is so I can locate where I am when 2012 starts, next year.
Happy New Year.

2011-12-29T00:08:00.000+07:00

'Cause all we have, are the choices we make.

2011-11-05T22:03:00.003+07:00

Life moves so fast, sometimes you cannot keep up. Changes happen so subtly sometimes you lose yourself in between the phases. You feel everything, you think about everything, and you lost yourself in the process. It's OK. It's fine. It is never too late to reunite with your inner peace, with your deepest desires. Step by step. Breathe in, breathe out. Lose the feeling of being lost within. Find serenity. To stand by my conscience, and listen, and feel, and think, like I always do; only with more courage, acceptance, and less confusion.

About Promises, and Fear.

2011-11-05T13:47:00.001+07:00

When you think you are capable of making any decision that is right for you without any fear. But as it turns out, you're not that fearless. You think the decision of leaving what makes you unhappy and chase after what makes you happy is that easy. You think you are so wise, you've aged, and you've grown wiser. You think now you've learned for what was wrong, and you will never repeat what was a mistake, but then you got scared of what you know is right. You got scared of living what you once thought was the right way of living. You are scared of the future you once thought was perfect. And you can't do anything. Because you promised, you promised it is what you want. Then, and now. And now what?
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2011-11-02T19:23:00.004+07:00

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy.

You know, each one of us has our own goals. We have our own preferences on how we'd like others to see ourselves. We have our own 'thing'. As for me, I believe when you choose what your 'thing' is, when you choose what your 'reputation' is, you are responsible of proving (not only to yourself, but also) to others who you've forced to believe in this thing and reputation of yours that you are what you have stated you are. Otherwise, you'll come across as this stupid person, stupid, stupid person.

In short, I believe I have proven that I am what I've been making myself (and others) believe I am, and for that: I am happy.

These recent weeks, have been few of the most fulfilling weeks I've had in life.

Alhamdulillah.

Ever heard the quote "Ignorance is bliss"? That quote is wrong.

2011-11-02T11:50:00.000+07:00

I don't understand how human's heart (and mind) work.

I don't get it. We're designed with one brain, and an infinite number of feelings. Feelings so various I cannot name each one of them. Feelings so various I cannot connect one to another. Feelings so various I cannot put into correlation with this one brain I have.

At one point, one rational point, we made a list in our head about what (we thought) we want. We created this list of criteria, of preferences, of 'logics', thinking that they are exactly what our hearts desire, and they will go perfectly as planned. Furthermore, we acted towards them, towards getting what we want, thinking everything else will follow, will be up to speed. Self identities were claimed, relationships were build, we walk, and walk towards the direction of getting what (we were sure) we want.

And then things started to feel odd. You are exactly at the point at which everything (you thought) you want is there for you, yet something feels odd. The state of peace, the state of completeness, you thought will be there for you because you've reached everything (you thought) you wanted, is not there.

Feelings arise. Feelings so various, and so far from your expectation, arise. You start blaming yourself. For feeling what you're feeling, for not being able to control your feelings, and furthermore, for not knowing better. For not knowing better about this particular possibility. For not knowing better that when you made that list of wants, your sub-conscience was telling you "something might go wrong..", something will not go as perfect as you planned it to be. And you ignored it. Just because.

And now look what that ignorance have led you to?

What. Is. Up.

2011-09-13T00:08:00.002+07:00

Okay.

It's annoying, really, how badly I've been wanting to write something here. Anything good. I can't quite call it having the writer's block, because let's be honest, I'm not a writer. It's not like I write in this blog about certain things in specific. And that's why it's hard. I have never known what 'my thing' is when it comes to writing. So, I end up writing......nothing when I don't have anything to say.

I thought about writing reviews, y'know, reviews about the restaurants I went to, the movies I watched, etc. And I guess it would be easy, since I go to various restaurants and I watch a lot of movies. I know, a lot of people do that, huh? Ha. Ha.

I guess....it's just my laziness. But now I'm currently staying at my own room in a residency building near my campus, and I have a lot of time, alone, in hand. I guess, this is a sign that it is possible for me to have my comeback to the blogger world soon, I guess?

Amen to that.

So,

2011-06-19T22:49:00.001+07:00

I've been with this guy, for over 3 months now. For writing's sake, we'll call him Ben.

Good night.

2011-06-01T14:29:00.003+07:00

"To think that one day Ben will be facing a work interview, or SAT Test to study abroad, or else. And I will be on his side through it all. I'll pick him up really early, because I know how insecure he is about coming late, or almost late. I'll greet him with such hype, with such energy, with a high-pitched "Hi!", and he will look at me just ordinarily, without any special expression, because that's just the way he is. In the car, I will talk, and talk, and put on our songs, and sing to them, and Ben may follow, and portray his calmness, serenity. Or maybe he will stay polite and respond as needed, because of his nerves, but most likely because he is reviewing the test's materials. Then when we get to the place, I'll shower him with goodluck wishes, telling him how proud and sure I am of his great self, and he will smile, almost half-heartedly, because of, well, the burden, the fear of letting himself, and me, down. Then I will pick him up after. Take him somewhere nice just to talk, without trying to avoid talking about the test, because he may want to, or may not, well, I'll adjust to his mood. And I'll drop him home. Not too late. Not too early. Just in time. When he's able to shift his thoughts from the test, just to think of me, and us, and how we get through the day together. And he will smile. Whole-heartedly, this time. And I'll get home. Dancing in my room. Just like when I got home from our early dates. When the relationship was young. And that night, we'll talk like lovers do. Just because we have walked the walk."

Happy Days Are Here

2011-05-27T23:16:00.004+07:00

source

Sometimes, you get to be happy, and that's all. No, you don't have to suffer first before getting a taste of happiness. No, you don't have to wait a long wait to get to your happy place. Nothing is required. You can be happy right now, right this second, no qualifications needed. To write this piece, knowing that not everyday is a perfect day, yet everyday is a rewarding one. Rewarding of the imperfection it is because as it turns out, imperfection is not bad, at all. Imperfection doesn't keep you away from happiness, being left in pain does. Oh, how pretty, how lovely it feels to always be dragged out of pain. To never, ever, feel alone. To always be taken care of. To always feel so secure. To always know that someone is really there to catch you every time you fall and about to hit the ground. To be brave, yes, brave, just because there really is nothing to worry about. These are random sentences, a perfect portrayal. I'm happy. I'm content. Fact of the matter is, I'm almost pain-free. This time, I win. Yes, I'm winning what I deserve. Thank you, God. Thanks.

Hi. My name is Ardelia. And I'm a Perfectionist.

2011-02-01T18:32:00.001+07:00

And I hate having that trait. Well, sometimes I love having it, but other times, I hate it.

Okay, let's start with the little examples. Let's say, when I'm doing a paper, as an assignment. Say I make it using my laptop and then print it out. After that, I will write my name on it, I will hand-write it. I will try to write it so it will be perfectly put on the left corner, so there would be no blank space on the left anymore. But then if I get it wrong, because of that 5milimeter of blank space, I will literally consider to print the paper once again. That perfectionist, that obsessive, you see?

Or other little examples, I have to finish my dish perfectly when I eat. Meaning, I will try so hard so the rice and the meat/vegetables will be finished at the same time.

Now, let's move to the bigger examples.

I get obsessively upset when I get A- instead of an A. It's not about me not being thankful, it is because of that dash, that minus mark, which irritates me so much!

Or, in love.

In relationships. In loving. And being loved. I am also that perfectionist. I want everything, everything to be perfect. To be all balanced, and perfect. No, I don't necessarily want no fight, or no obstacles, just....perfection. Just what I would call the relationship should be. What loving should do to you. And how being loved should feel. And I hate it the most to have this trait in doing my relationship.

It's not that I don't trust. Or I don't feel like I get enough. It's just this trait. This annoying trait of needing, and obsessing for everything to be perfect.

Rrrrrghh. And this is inevitable. I hope, I deeply hope you get it. And you'll be okay with it. With me.

Maybe, I've been watching too much TV.

2011-01-15T00:55:00.001+07:00

Hi. I'm Ardelia. A first year undergraduate student of Faculty of Economics Universitas Indonesia, majoring in Economics. And I'm going to talk about the so called dream (future) profession.

Back when I was in the very beginning of 12th grade, I knew it was time to decide what college major I should choose. And I - no bragging intended here - was always the kind of person who do good in many things, things in general, with no particular nor super obvious specialty. So, of course, I had trouble choosing the future major of college I was soon going to chase after.

It wasn't that big of a problem really, I mean I wasn't depressed or whatever. I took the easy way out, I asked my parents - which I'm sure are the people who know me best - to make the decision. And of course they were a bit cliche they asked me to get in med school, and I refused, so they offer me Economics instead, and I was excited. I saw how the idea of it for my future, fitted who I am, and so I drove myself to go that direction, and chase after that dream, and gosh I was very passionate.

And I got it. In my grip. I've got it.

But then, other ideas started to hit me. Like, "Why not try to get in Institut Teknologi Bandung?" The place where my parents studied architecture, and love. And the most recent distracting idea is "Why not try to be a Surgeon? Try out for med school next college-test."

I don't know was it the marathon of Grey's Anatomy episodes I've been watching, or the brilliant surgeon Addison Montgomery is in Private Practice series, or, maybe, seeing how my boyfriend has been doing in med school, that started this urge off, but it's definitely been playing with my mind.

You know, to be a Doctor was my very first childhood dream profession. I remember prepping my own first aid kit, and being so influenced by a band-aid brand commercial I played Doctor to my dolls, and saying I wanna be a Doctor like my grandma's dad. Later on, that dream started to fade. With age, with a later realizing that I don't do so good with the idea of cutting human's organs etc, with the rumor of how hard med school is, the dream faded and disappeared.

But now, I don't know. I've been getting these hunches that I'd make a good Surgeon. That the idea of fixing human's organs no longer scares me. That maybe I could be a brilliant Surgeon. Just, maybe.

I know this sounds stupid. But it's not stupid for me. And no. I've decided to not give those urges the luxury of distracting me anymore. For reasons I don't need to explain.

This is just for the sake of writing. And maybe, the real goodbye to the long-lost childhood dream.

Goodnight.

2010-12-11T20:36:00.002+07:00

When you're upset, or disappointed, or very angry, it often feels like you can't, and don't want to get out of those feelings. It often feels like you need to stay upset, or angry, or disappointed, to make your point. It often feels like you don't want those states of heart to be healed in an instant, like you want to suffer from it just to be properly repaired later by the causes themselves. And to feel those, often, is human. Those are flaws which as humans, we're allowed to possess. But isn't it actually better to let yourself out of it as fast as you can? Without thinking that 'letting' necessarily means 'losing'. Without seeing surrendering to those feelings as you getting beat up by the causes, won't it be lighter? Getting to the state where your heart finally agrees to stop hurting might be hard, but when you're finally there, everything feels lighter than air. Regret may checks in, but who cares? You chose to be free from pain, and you are, and there's no need to get back, no need to be trapped again. No need. Smile, you deserve it. :)

Merry Morning,

2010-12-09T08:15:00.000+07:00

I'd like to believe that love is enough.

As long as we realize what love itself embraces, as long as we commit to fulfill them wholeheartedly, as long as loving is what we choose; I'd like to believe that love is enough, and only enough. Not over, nor underrated.

Maybe loving is not as simple as the one-word-verb it is, maybe it touches many more resemblance that needs to be balanced, maybe it causes much dysfunction between two people, but maybe, just maybe, it is enough to complete those two's needs.

Love is enough. It is. As long as we let ourselves work for it, probably surrender to it, and fight to keep being in it....as long as there is love.

Yes, yes. Love is enough. Yes. Yes?

2010-12-02T22:15:00.002+07:00

"Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing......

....Showing me a better way, and all that my love can bring."

Lyric-Cuts of John C. Mayer's "Half of My Heart"
click for image source

Lumos

2010-12-02T21:02:00.005+07:00

click for image source

Have you ever feel trapped in a darkness, in a darkness which messes you so terribly yet it was still lovely? Just, like, everything inside of you went so dark, how everything led you to being clueless, yet you don't, or you can't find a way out?

It's like darkness at night with a full moon. The sky went only black, flawlessly black, yet despite that, something, that shining something, shines everything under. Your heart went so dark, so clueless, and despite all that, something kept you strong, kept you enlighten, and drove you to willingly accept how dark it is inside. Have you ever?

The thing is, when you have something, your own moon, that drives you to be all okay in darkness, how can you not just, and only just be thankful for it? How can you deny how good it feels to have the will to stay no matter how horrible everything is?

Yes, it's about being happy.
But most importantly, it's also about willing to stay for happiness to take place.
No worries, it might not be long.
'Cause they say good things take times,
but really great things happen in a blink of an eye.

Goodnight,
Ardelia.

Good Morning

2010-11-23T09:21:00.002+07:00

source

I'm having a lovely morning. Originally planned to wake up verrry late, but I woke up around 7.30, and it felt nice. I don't know why, my mood's up. The morning was a bit cold, breezy, love it. Then, I started to feel very blessed. And grateful.

Life has been great. Everything is in hectic-mode, as always, but I feel balanced. My college life is great. Having new lovely characters around me is bliss. Working, alongside with studying, really keeps me sane. Having my best friends which are now having different lives but still very close to heart is nice. You know what, now I can really differ which ones are the ones who really want to stay in my life, and which ones who aren't, and both choices are good and okay.

Oh, the morning sunshine. Oh, the bless of of another day in November. I love it. Thank You, God.

Insomnia

2010-11-12T00:09:00.001+07:00

You know that feeling that occurs when it's past midnight and you're still wide awake, alone? How random thoughts just hit your brain nonstop causing strange uncertainties which actually are meaningless. The feeling of being left by your closest ones, not because they're starting something sooner, because they're shutting their minds faster, and yours is the only one still running? How you hate being this pissed off of being the only one still awake in your house. How you wish you could just sleep, shut your mind down, and rest, other than beating yourself down because somebody else did those before you. Oh. Well. Sleeptight.

my-on-going-love-talk

2010-10-05T21:12:00.005+07:00

click on the picture for its source

Quick Hi!

2010-10-05T21:09:00.002+07:00

Hi!

Well, I've got to admit I've been out for way too long from this blogger world. The thing is, college life is verrrrry hectic. Most of the days, I don't have the time, other days, when I have the time, I'm too tired or enjoying my free time too much I forgot to blog. Lame excuses, huh? But they're true, really.

Forgive. Forget?

2010-09-11T20:52:00.001+07:00

You know what? Let it be.

Let those path you chose be wrong. Let the person you trusted betray you. Let the plans you arranged so beautifully be broken. Let that voice within you mess with your head. Let those grudges rise back. Let everything be as dark as it could be......

......As long as there's tomorrow. As long as when the sun shines the darkness will be gone.

Nobody's perfect. Nothing's perfect. And no such horrible phase in life can be 100% forgotten.

2010-09-09T21:18:00.001+07:00

Hi! As the sound of Takbiran echoes all around, I hope y'all can forgive my mistakes & the mishaps I caused. Have a very merry Idul Fitri!?

P.S. So sorry for the absence of posts. Have been facing hectic days nonstop. Will write soon! :)

2010-08-25T19:07:00.001+07:00

Love, one of the many definitions of it, for me, is acceptance.

No, it's not the kind of acceptance which rights every wrongs. It's not the kind of acceptance sentenced by certain words. It's the kind which the heart stand for. The kind the heart fully nod to, completely say "yes" to.

It's when your other half's flaws are still flaws, but they no longer flawed who he/she is in your eyes. It's when your other half's wrongs still hurt you, but that's as far as it can go, and there's no vengeance, no hurting them back. It's when you can say the word "It's okay, I'm fine" and instantly be truly fine after, with no traces of anger left, just pure acceptance, 'cause you simply don't want any second of togetherness wasted. It's when you can command your heart to be at peace no matter how chaotic things are, and you can smile from it. 'Cause yes, you do it willingly.

Acceptance is when knowing the fact you love him/her is enough.

When you don't need to know nothing more. When everything can turn deadly hardcore and you can still taste the soft-cotton-candy-ness of your passion.

When acceptance comes effortlessly, that's when you know you're in love.

From Depok, With Love!

2010-08-09T16:03:00.002+07:00

Hello, readers :---)

Well, I'm sorry for my absence, I've been busy tasting the very beginning of life as a student in Universitas Indonesia.

I'm currently staying in my Kost-an now, in Kutek, an area right beside UI, near Fakultas Teknik. Have been staying here for almost a week.

Life, here, has been great! Living alone, doing personal and group assignments, eating out almost every lunch and dinner, are fun. Somehow, this new found of independence: rocks.

So, I'll write more as soon as the hectic phase of crrrrazy much of assignments fades.

Ttyl!

2010-07-28T10:20:00.004+07:00

So, this morning I've decided to make a list! Of things concerning.......this morning ;p

Woke up with no good morning greeting I usually get, little bit upset, but I got better.
Sent my good morning greeting to twitterverse.
Stepped out of the room, turned on the TV.
Wow, what a perfect weather! Little bit chilly, but that's just perrrfect :)
Had a nice healty breakfast. Btw, I'm feeling much better and healthier! Thanks for your get-well-soon wishes ;)
Turned on my internet connection, took out my notebook, and started using the cyber world.
Approved friend requests on my new Skype acc. Add me: ardelia.apti
Downloaded new songs for my iPod - which I almost lost, but thank God I found it back.
Listening to up-beat tunes! Got my mood all better.
Took pictures using the webcam for this post. The writing turned out to be spelled backwards because of the mirrored effect hahaha. (pardon my child-like handwriting, haven't been writing for quite sometime this holiday. and the sleepy face, haven't showered yet.)
And now I'm writing this.
Got no plans at all for today. But my mood is up! Today's gonna be just fine :----)

7:54 PM

2010-07-27T19:54:00.001+07:00

My perfect world would be... Well, it won't be a world that is free from wrongs. It won't be a world where I don't need money to get what I want. Won't be a world with no tears, no struggles, no hatred.

There would still be mean people, and of course the lovely ones. There would be things which affects me, and the unchanging ones. In my perfect world, I would still be this skinny. Still be in this family, in the circles of friends I'm in. Still me.

In the perfect world of mine, I wanna be more accepting. More thankful of what's with me. I wanna be able to run into my parents' arms and tell them I'm sorry, and hear them say so too. I wanna be able to look at people, to look at the things they do to bring me down, and only smile.

There, I would be closer to God. I would be more thoughtful of Him, and not less. I would be able to manage my feelings better. To place which is which, and what is what. In that perfect world, I wish I could know every reason beyond every turns of events. And accept them, eventually. I would be able to have just the peaceful relationship with my sister, and that would be really pretty.

In my perfect world...... Nothing would be unfinished.

Poet

2010-07-27T14:31:00.003+07:00

source

The rain lets out a lot of things.
For some, it frees the loneliness they hide inside,
the discomforting memories.
For others, every drop of it rephrases calmness, comfort.
I say, the rain is poetic.
The cold it gives, plays with what's within.
It's like it's singing words we don't want to hear,
or maybe the lullaby we've longed for,
whichever way, there's nothing quite like it.
The wind it breezes with, shivers us.
Wrap ourselves in questions we've ignored,
in feelings we've trapped,
probably in a sweet sweet way we don't expect.
The rain is poetic.
What is it saying to you?

Sweet Dreams?

2010-07-22T12:08:00.002+07:00

I dream in my sleeps. Almost all the time.
And those dreams always affect me.
Too much.
How can a dream replay memories you've forgotten?
How can it goes so deep into your mind and reveal what you've hidden for years?
How can it faces you with the things you've gotten over?
Or, was it only slapping you with the truth?
The fact that you've never truly forget.
You've never really succeed in hiding it.
You've never fully gotten over it.
Was it?

--- Copeland, "On The Safest Ledge"

2010-07-22T11:42:00.002+07:00

source

" The sun burns a hole,
straight through your old flaws..
If you look toward the sky,
even on your grayest night..

Could you be happy now,
with the wind in your hair?
And your eyes open wide,
and your feet going nowhere?

Could you be happy to fall like a stone
If you'd land right here safe in my arms?
It's fine, lock all your doors through the night
Keep it all right here, safe in my arms
It's fine... "

2010-07-19T22:39:00.001+07:00

I'm writing this random piece. This random piece I'm making as a result of my randomness. This random piece, my randomness' outlet. And I don't have any specific topic to write based on. I don't have any particular feeling I'm going to mumble about. I don't have....certainty. This is what I hate. Suddenly falling into the thick of the feeling I hate the most: uncertainty. I hate how I suddenly feel lost. Feel beaten. I hate how I realize I'm still feeling things I thought I don't anymore. Or maybe they were gone, and they came back. And no I'm not talking about an ex. I hate how everything changes when an end gets nearer, though I never thought they will. I hate how I'm feeling, how I was feeling, ugh I hate how everything was, and has been so unsympathetic to each other. I hate... Gosh, I wish I could cry................. Hhhh. I hate how I kinda lost my grip on peace, on the kind of peace I've got. I hate having to write this. I hate......missing that chance I once think I don't want.

Fin

2010-07-19T11:43:00.001+07:00

You know, things end.

Eventually, suddenly or not, things end. And there's a whole lot kind of endings. The beautiful one, the expected, the surprising, the bitter, the sarcastic, the unchanging, the inspiring, all kinds of ends. They probably hurt you, or tear you up, complete you, calm you, or do nothing to you, they can be anything. Any thing.

How would you like to face the kind of ending you've expected? Would you brace yourself, adapt yourself to accepting it from far before? Or would you stay still, not letting anything change just yet? Or would you spend what's left in the happiest way possible? Would you choose hurting earlier, or hurting after, or not hurting at all?

I, for once, am choosing to be happy, now. There's not one thing I'm sure about except how I don't want any regret. It might make it harder to stop, but to hell with it, I don't care. I'm going to be happy now, with what's left. And when it ends, it's okay. I'll deal with it. Like I've dealt with other endings before. With no regret.

Why? It's simple: you're worth the complications.

Yes, you are.

And we'll smile in the end, I promise you.

My World Cup Fever

2010-07-14T17:06:00.006+07:00

Well, when World Cup 2010 started I wasn't interested, at all.
But then, I guess I'm caught up in the fever too.
My favorite team, the team I support,was Team Espana!
My World Cup's Sweetheart was Iker Casillas.
And my favorite World Cup moment was watching the final match and witnessing my favorite team's winning with my friends!
VIVA LA ESPANA!

--click on the pictures for sources

This is just to be brief,

2010-07-14T16:12:00.001+07:00

X and Y are over.

Perfection

2010-07-14T15:24:00.006+07:00

What's your definition of perfection? Is it being happy at all times? Is it having your lover by your side? Is it in the laughter of your friends? Or is it a mess you just love being in? Or else, in a complication you love for not being able to solve it?

What is it? Is it on your bed, lying, not thinking? Is it going out of the house the whole day? Is it sitting silently, thinking? Or is it feeling completely alone in a crowd?

Do you buy the easy definition of perfection? Like, being in the thick of love? Or being adored? Having everything you want? Do you buy those kind of definition?

Or are you into more extreme stuffs? Like, thinking so darkly you find peace? Or passionate on the perfection of hating? Of despising? Or maybe, dwelling in misery and not wanting to swim out of them is your kind of perfection?

I like being inspired. For me, the things, the people, the events, the places, which inspire me is what I call perfect. The feeling of realizing something and being completely in awe 'cause that thing you just realized is so inspiring, is perfect. Feeling your mind opening, going a lot deeper, not sure why, but then you just realize that you've just been inspired, is perfect. Perfect.

Those seconds you take, easing that new thing, that new-found principle in is the seconds I consider matter. I consider as probably the foundation of the changes that could be made.

Being inspired is one of my kind of perfection. What about yours?

---Picture's Source

July 8-9, 2010.

2010-07-14T15:09:00.004+07:00

It was Prom Night and The Party After.
There were the nerve-wracking entrance, the lovely event, and a hell lot of dancing.
They were all very lovely.
Yeah, it was Prom Night.
And I love it.

2010-07-11T17:27:00.010+07:00

source

Hi, darling.

It's me. Writing, for you.
Don't be so surprised, don't be afraid of what I'm going to write. I'll try to make it lovely.
We've had a fuckin' long journey (I don't mind cursing 'cause we both do it too often).
Yeah, we sure have. The obvious, the easy, the hard, the surprising, the tricky, the questionable, what-so-ever, journey, together.
It hasn't been that long since I knew you a lot better. Since you opened up, I opened up, and it was like we introduced ourselves all over again. And it was a lot of things, a clutter of feelings, and a deep deep kind of thinking.
It hasn't been long, at all, since I stopped being stupid. Since I stopped holding myself back because of my insecurity. Since I realized, there was nothing wrong about what we have.
You and I we've never been lovers, never been the lovey-dovey kind of two, yet you do bring me closest to giving unconditionally. And it's lovely. Truly, darling, it's heavenly.
I write you this, mostly to thank you, in a none hiding way. In a way, I'm good at. To let you know how much you mean.
I can never describe what you are to me with words, but I'm sure you already know.
I thank you for the best friend you are, for being like a family to me, and mostly, for what you've shown me.
That nothing else really matters when it comes to admitting what you are, what you feel. Nothing can come between you and your honesty to yourself and the world. And how I should never stop myself because of some subjective views.
I thank you, for letting me be a part of your true self. For making me what's true.
No one can ever describe what we are without experiencing what we've been through, and I'm glad for that one of a kind thing we have.
For everything, I'm eternally grateful. For you, in me.

You perfectly know me, don't ever question it,

Ardelia.

2010-07-11T17:07:00.001+07:00

Kalau boleh ada satu waktu,
aku tak kan bicara cinta.

Kalau memang ada satu cinta,
aku tak kan bicara waktu.

Atau kamu, atau aku.

Aku akan bicara rasa.
Yang ini, yang bukan cinta.
Yang ini, yang untukmu.
Yang ini, yang dipisahkan waktu.

Kalau boleh ada cinta,
dan ada waktu,
aku 'kan bicara kamu,
dan aku.

True Color.

2010-07-06T00:21:00.001+07:00

Hi. I just got back from a 5-day-trip to HK and Macao, and it was superb. Not less.

You know, it made me realize it is important to take journeys. Not necessarily the traveling-to-countries type, more about seeing life itself as a journey.

I remember times, many times, of me waking up not knowing what another day means. Not realizing how another day is a gift, and how living them is a choice, and as a choice we choose, we've got to make the most out of it.

I call this holiday as the best holiday of my life. Not because of the pile of spare time, or the things I got, or the trips I took, it's because how it made me feel very much alive. How it brings out the life of me, and put it in amazing colors.

The feeling of rebuilding yourself, of finding what your foundation really is, is beyond words. The thrill of taking a new step, a new jump, without knowing what's down below, is weirdly comforting. I never, ever, feel as independent as I am now. Knowing I've been taking everything I took by myself, for myself, yet still embracing the love of my surrounding.

I fell, I stood back up, I flew, I jumped, and now I'm here. With my true self. Hearing the truths of my heart's desires so so clearly it actually echoes in my head. Writing this, knowing how dramatic my words are yet knowing I'm not dramatizing, not at all.

From now on, no more days without life.
No more life with only living.
No need to take big or extravagant steps like climbing Mt.Everest, or bungee jumping, or traveling around the world;
Just face everyday with the spirit of making the most, if not the happiest, out of it. :)

2010-06-29T19:14:00.001+07:00

Dear Alessandra,

I know it's way too early to write this kind of thing but I guess I might as well do it now, as we're having our "sedih unyu2" time....

You have been... My life. Segalanya dalam hidup gua semenjak kita sahabatan ada lo-nya. Sesimpel itu. Rasanya ga ada step yg gw ambil tanpa lo tau. Ga ada keraguan gw yg gw tanyakan ke lo. Dan ga ada bagian dari hidup gw yg tanpa lo.

Sometimes I wonder, how could we stay this way for over 3 years without ever having a fight, or a gap, or an absence of each other, but most of all I'm eternally grateful. Kalau ada yg dibilang belahan jiwa gw rasa itu kita. The definition of soulmates is us.

Dan skrg lo akan di Bandung... Yg emg cuma 2 jam dr Jakarta... Tp rasanya lebih sedih dari putus cinta. :''''''(

Gw.. Gatau.. Gw gatau apa jadinya gw tanpa lo setiap harinya. Tanpa menjalani rutinitas yg sm kyk lo dlm hidup gw. Gw takut.

Takut. Gw takut baanget less... Gw bener2 takut ga ada lo. Ga ngobrol pake bahasa kode di mobil lo krn taakut supir lo ngerti, ga nelfon lo nangis kejer abis putus, ga kerumah lo kapan aja gw mau, ga pulang bareng, dan yg pasti gw takut banget ga ngerasain presence lo.

You are probably one of a very few number of people which presence is a need for me. Kalo lo di sebelah gw, gw aman. Apapun yg hilang dr gw, gw punya aless disebelah gw. Dan yaudah. Mau siapapun musuhin gw, sampe keluarga gw sendiri musuhin, ada aless disebelah gw. Dan gw takut banget gw lost...

Aless... Huhuhuhuhu.

Duh kenapa gw lebay malu2in cengeng gini gw ga ngerti... Gw lg nangis diparkiran flashback semua momen2 kita yg terlalu banyak. Mulai dari jalan kaki di senayan di godain mas2 dan lo marahin gw krn ketawa. Semua galak2nya lo kalo gw lagi abis putus. Ulangtahun2 kita. Bahkan bagaimana stlh bertahun2 trnyata supir lo nyangka nama gw Dahlia..

Ntr kalo gw jadi bandel gimana gara2 ga diawasin lo huhuhuhu.

Intinya adalah,
I'm sure we won't lose each other. Tetep temenin gw ya walaupun nantinya gw akan jadi seaneh apapun less. Cause I simply can't imagine my life without you.

There's no me without you.
Ya Allah aless gw mungkin kurang sering ngmg ini tp gw sayang banget sm lo,
And you are the greatest friend I've ever had.

Promise me you'll stay.

Love, Ardelia.

X and Y.

2010-06-29T17:42:00.001+07:00

Let's name this person X. And that person Y.

X was a stranger to Y. Was someone unknown. Was having totally separated life with Y.

X knew Y. Talked thru cyber world. Barely known each other, yet getting closer so effortlessly.

X was gone. In a sudden way, X was missing. Y took it hard, but managed to accept it anyway, and let go.

X was back. In a more sudden way, X got back to Y's life. Talked some more, still never meeting each other, and it got harder to communicate.

Y was getting tired, when X suddenly introduced an easier way to communicate. Y fell for X, some more.

X and Y.
Have known each other's routine, life, likes, dislikes, almost everything.
Have never met.
And it's all good.

2010-06-28T13:02:00.003+07:00

BACK

(click on the pictures for the sources' links)

I tweeted:

2010-06-26T22:21:00.001+07:00

From: @ardelya
Sent: Jun 26, 2010 10:16p

I'm sure nothing can beat the fun of High School. Yet, I'm ready to leave it behind, and start a new chapter of life. Being 'new' excites me.

sent via UberTwitter
On Twitter: http://twitter.com/ardelya/status/17097599274

The 'New' List

2010-06-25T19:45:00.002+07:00

1. Waking up early
2. Got up feeling excited about facing the day
3. Eating breakfast
4. Driving everywhere
5. Less tweeting
6. More blogging
7. Made a personal saving account
8. Save money
9. Lunch with Mom
10. Meeting friends at home/their houses instead of Malls
11. Hanging around WLM
12. Sleeping late
13. More prayers and Sholat
14. Reconnecting with old friends
15. Meeting new friends
16. Going to Depok
17. Trying out colored contact lenses
18. Paying more attention to skin-care
19. Pre-Prom Jitters
20. Good mood
21. Seizing life.

Turn Right

2010-06-25T19:02:00.003+07:00

source

My days have been superb. Lovely. Filled with positive activities. So, so, feisty. I feel......cleaner. I feel like the days have been simple, have been cliche, yet so, very clean. It feels very good to do things right. It feels a whole damn better when you feel good for doing what's right. When you're not drenched in questions, or worst: burden, of doing so.

We can't runaway from the ironic crossroads. From being in between hard things. Impossible choices. Choices which actually aren't options. Choices we don't actually have to make, choices we're forced to take. And I, personally, don't like those kind of choices. I don't buy choosing between two uncertainties. What's there to choose? Nothing.

Making the right choice in that circumstance usually is hard. Is heartbreaking, is mind challenging, yet not necessarily that blurred. We've known what's right all along. Or easier, what's wrong. It just takes time to admit, to take, and to accept that.

We may feel sorry for breaking someone's heart, but deep inside, real deep inside we're sure that it's their heart which we're protecting too, other than ours.

Doing what's right is not always wrong. It can be simply, what is right, what is needed, what is best.

And that rightful choice, may be what our hearts truly desire.

2010-06-18T23:00:00.007+07:00

So, I'm a huge fan of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
Have watched it over, and over, and over again.
The best series to date.
The coolest group of friends ever.

(click on the picture for source's links)

Metamorphosing

2010-06-18T22:45:00.004+07:00

Growing up leads us to hardcore of reality. It's no longer about what we want, what we desire, or what we pray for, it's about what's there for us. I remember talking to my friends about life choices, about the ideal future, and feeling like every bit of it is real. Like, what we hope is what we'll achieve. Not instantly, with hard work, but yeah it will be in our hands. The truth is it's not.

Things are getting a bit too real. Knowing that not all of my friends will be studying here at Jakarta. Knowing that I'll be coming home less since UI is far from home. Knowing how lonely it can get.

I don't do well with separation. With goodbyes. With lost. I've been madly excited about the new life I'll be having but tonight.... I got scared. Of leaving the luxury of expecting what's ahead of me, of not having the same routine all over again like hi-school, of growing up.

The Yellow Jacket

2010-06-17T21:03:00.004+07:00

Yes, I'm officially a part of Universitas Indonesia.
Program : S1 Reguler
Fakultas : Ekonomi
Jurusan : Ilmu Ekonomi

2010-06-16T16:09:00.002+07:00

Life's grand.
It's big, it's overwhelming.
You, on the other hand, are tiny.
Your corner of the world is a dot.
Allow yourself to accept that.
Allow yourself to be petite-ly fine.
It's you, alone, living.
And as for me,
I've never felt more alive.

---Picture taken by: Alessandra Syukrika

2010-06-16T15:55:00.002+07:00

source

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

--- Falling Slowly, Once OST.

Kata Rindu

2010-06-13T00:15:00.001+07:00

Oke. Hari ini gw selesai membaca novel paling barunya Raditya Dika, sekaligus novel pertama karangan dia yang gw baca, "Marmut Merah Jambu". Dan dari sekian aftertaste yang gw dapat, salah satunya adalah: gw rindu menulis.

Aneh? Iya. Karena gw masih aktif menulis di blog ini, baik dalam bentuk quote atau pandangan-pandangan gw akan berbagai hal. Mungkin yang gw rindukan adalah menulis dengan topik yang pasti, gitu. Yang ada faktor alamiahnya gitu. Contoh, gw inget banget dulu pas SMP essay karangan gw yang bertemakan anti-narkoba bisa masuk 30 besar DKI Jakarta. Ya, yang gitu-gitulah.
Menulis bagi gw adalah sebuah hobi. Sekaligus salah suatu outlet kreativitas. Sekaligus outlet kegundahan, dan hal-hal yang ingin gw utarakan tapi gabisa gw ucapkan. Sekaligus topeng gw, sekaligus cara gw untuk memesona orang lain, sekaligus bentuk paling jujur dari kata nurani gw.

Setiap gw nulis, gw ngerasa tergelitik. Milah topik, milih kata, dan jujur gw suka banget ngutak-ngatik kata-kata, menempatkan opini gw, dan pada akhirnya milih penutup yang 'njeder'. Gw menikmati hal-hal diatas, hanya saja, sayangnya, gw suka kering ide.

Sangat berbahagialah gw jikalau gw disuruh menulis tentang suatu topik tertentu. Intuisi anak sulung plus seorang capricorn gw akan muncul dan gw akan merasa tertantang. Dan gw rindu itu. Gw rindu menulis dengan deadline, dan dengan purpose yang lebih dari kepuasan diri.

Despite the fact bahwa gw benci diterka-terka dan lalu kemudian dicap ini dan itu, gw tidak keberatan untuk dinilai berdasarkan tulisan gw, ya asal bijaksana aja menilainya. Karena, gw penulis yang jujur. Emang sih kejujuran itu kadang jatohnya bikin curhat, ya tapi begitulah. Tapi, yang harus diwaspadai dari menginterpretasikan maksud tulisan seseorang adalah, tulisan tidak memiliki nada. "Iya dia nulis 'ya kali aja gw mau sama dia' sok banget ga sih??" Padahal yang dimaksud bukan "ya kaleee deh gua mau sama dia," melainkan, "ya kali aja mungkin gua mau sama dia," ya kesalahan ini bukan salah siapa-siapa, karena seperti yang gw bilang tadi, tulisan tidak bernada.

Oke. Gw rindu menulis. Dan ternyata, tulisan ini mengurangi sedikit dari kerinduan tersebut.

Selamat malam, readers!

2010-06-10T23:12:00.005+07:00

Life's funny. It's surprising. It's sour, it's sweet, it's a tad bit peppery, it's tasteless sometimes. My life has never been tasteless. Has never been one with only one taste, too. Of course, I'm thankful for it, but on the other side it's been one hell of a ride. A thrilling/fun/tiring/surprising hell of a ride. Lately, I've been trying to not overthink things. That worked. But what I figured out just now is that I can never rule out the fact that I'm a sensitive. Especially, to my own feelings.

Maybe you wondered what I meant by saying I'm sensitive to my own feelings, so let me clear it out. What I meant is, I feel what I'm feeling. Like, I know every bit of feelings I have, every little details of it, and my mind is sensitive to it. I can never do much of separating between the two - my heart and my mind. Fortunately, I've at least learned to not let one crushes another. So, maybe I will never be one with balanced mind and heart, but at least now I can choose to act rationally and ignore my heart's desires.

And it's good. Believe me, it's been good. Ignoring what your most basic instinct is not always bad, does not always jailed your soul or anything, it's good.

You know, our hearts can tolerate. And our hearts can tolerate in beautiful ways.

Take your chances.

source

Cut.

2010-06-10T16:22:00.000+07:00

When something got cut so suddenly, with no apparent reason, no reason at all actually, it sucks.

You can't help to wonder what's up, what's happening on the other side, and why is it happening.

But, yeah I'm going to accept it.

It was a fun 2 weeks. And thank you.

When the thought of someone you just knew, you barely knew, you haven't even met, crosses your mind too much, what does it means?

2010-06-04T14:52:00.000+07:00

O.K.

2010-06-03T22:30:00.001+07:00

You know how good it can feel when you know you're okay? When the feeling of being okay excites you, and nothing less. When the day you've expected for far too long, the day you expected to have this or that impact, it finally came and it was nothing you expected? It was just ordinary. Like another passing day. You smiled to the humor of it, digesting it all in, and you ended up totally.....unchanged. You remained intact, nothing changes. You're stable; not hurt, nor happy, just perfectly ordinary. And look, you've grown a hell lot stronger. :)
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2010-05-27T20:06:00.002+07:00

Writer's block.
Actually, I'm not uninspired, just, not knowing what to write.
I'm a thinker, and lately I haven't been thinking that much, I guess.
I tend to 'jump' to things.
Not knowing the depth, the ground, I go ahead and jump.
So, yeah, I haven't dug into my mind that much I don't have anything to write.
This is weird.
Catch y'all later.

Updates!

2010-05-21T11:32:00.003+07:00

Hello! It's been a while since I last posted an 'update', you know. Like what I am currently up to, what I'm going through, and blablabla. So, I've decided to write an update, just now.

Now I'm having a recess, maybe? I don't know what's the right term of it, a holiday, maybe? The point is, high school is over - the graduation ceremony is next Wed - but college has not started yet. As you might have known, thank God, I've been accepted in Ilmu Ekonomi Universitas Indonesia. And if you had not known, I am utterly thankful for this. I still am having a hard time taking it all in :)

So my days have been filled with.... random activities. I sometimes go out to share my knowledge in Social Studies with my friends who are gonna face UMB tomorrow (goodluck guys!), other times I go out with my Mom, or my friends to just hang out, nothing productive, except practicing my skill in driving maybe. But lately I've been doing something more useful which is... studying! Hahaha. I'm currently studying from my Dad's old book about Macroeconomics. I don't wanna enter the first day of university not knowing anything.

Oh, and there's this new routine I'm loving, dance class at Namarina! I went there as a child taking courses on clasical ballet, but now I'm taking a different genre of dancing which is Jazz-Hip Hop, and I'm loving it! Still got a lot to learn, though ;p

Okay, okay, I think I've been babbling too much, so I'll just stop now. Bottom line is: life's good. Like, really good. I've been seizing the days, not knowing what's there for me the day after, and I feel sooooo free. So free.

Yes, I'm a proud Belieber! <3

2010-05-20T19:59:00.001+07:00

2010-05-13T20:36:00.000+07:00

source

The picture above is tagged under 'Friendship'

2010-05-13T19:39:00.001+07:00

source

2010-05-13T19:32:00.000+07:00

source

2010-05-13T19:26:00.000+07:00

source

2010-05-12T14:11:00.002+07:00

Writer's
Block.

Overwhelmed in Gratitude :)

2010-05-09T23:36:00.001+07:00

There is this one point,
where you finally start seeing everything clearly,
where your heart is finally at peace,
where your insecurity fades,
where everything feels completed.

I feel completed.
I've come to realize that not every matter in life is important.
Not every bit of damage needs to be repaired.
And not every part of life we lost is meant to be back.

Saya sampai pada tahap dimana ga ada lagi yang ingin saya minta.
Ga ada lagi yang saya rasa hilang.
Pada tahap dimana mana yang seharusnya diperjuangkan dan mana yang tidak jelas sekali bedanya.
Dimana terasa banget apa sih yang pantes dibawa susah, dan apa yang tidak.
Terasa banget kalau Allah ga akan ngetes diluar kemampuan hamba-Nya.

Thank You, God.
For completing me.
For granting my wishes.
For surrounding me with the greatest people.
For making me realize that what didn't kill me, really made me stronger.

Life is lovely.
And it's all because of Your gifts.

Alhamdulillah.

--------
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The Sweetest Day

2010-05-08T23:42:00.001+07:00

Thank You, God.
Thank you, Mom, Dad, Dira.
Thank you, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.
Thank you, teachers.
Thank you, SMAN 8 Jakarta.
Thank you, Inten.
Thank you, friends.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I can never thank everyone enough for the support, prayers, love, and strength.

Alhamdulillah,
Ilmu Ekonomi Universitas Indonesia 2010!
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2010-05-05T21:54:00.003+07:00

source

Built a tent from your bed sheet.
Wear tutu the way you used to.
Hang some stars, put up your hopes with it.
Light some light, shine your way along with.
Don't go to sleep yet if you can't.
Protect yourself under the tent, from the nightmares.
Look at the stars, shield insecurity out.
Do it like you used to.
Do it like a child.
Like a happy child, a happy you.

2010-05-05T21:51:00.003+07:00

When you're, supposedly, over someone, what's the point of doing things to make them jealous? Like with purpose, like not that unintentionally. Not expressing something, it's more like... doing it with purpose.

Yeah, just sayin'.

Espera.

2010-05-05T18:58:00.002+07:00

Waiting is all I can do now, beside praying. Hoping that what I dream is what's best for me. I'm not gonna lie, this waiting thing, sucks. It's hard, it's harsh, it seemed imaginary, but now things are getting a tad bit too real. Now, everything doesn't seem that reachable. The dream college, is not that easy to get.

I....... Gosh, I don't know what to say.

Okay, this is super random.

Well, it's hard. That's what it is. Oh, well.

2010-05-02T13:49:00.001+07:00

2010-05-02T13:29:00.002+07:00

source

إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا

“Sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan.” (QS.Al Insyirah: 6)

What push me through:

2010-05-02T12:48:00.005+07:00

source

1. God whispers
2. The sincerity of family's love
3. My blackberry in hand
4. Plenty of im-ing thru BBM and WLM
5. John Mayer, Kings of Convenience, Taylor swift
6. Justin Bieber, Michael Buble
7. Twitterverse
8. The sound of my friends' laughter
9. Restless input of advices, and jokes
10. The comfort of my bedroom
11. Tears
12. The strength of my 'support system'
13. This blog
14. Going to Inten almost everyday
15. Certain phone-calls, and texts
16. Dancing
17. Spa Day with my girls
18. Prayers
19. Anger, and Patience
20. Myself.

To all 20 points, I'm eternally grateful. For pushing me through the hardest days of life.
Thank You God for the gift of good and strong family, and friends.
Thank you friends, for the patience of listening. For the strength of advices. And for the joy of laughter.

I've made it this far, hopefully not looking back.
I'm running through, I'm pushing through.
Stronger.

God bless,
Ardelia.

Princess and The Hippie

2010-04-29T17:09:00.004+07:00

When you feel powerless, don't give up just yet, you've got your friends' power to fill you up.
When your world is about to crash down, don't try too much, let them take over for a while.
'Cause it's laughter that we're making after all.

---Thank you Istina Dwi for making my day up :)

2010-04-27T16:20:00.003+07:00

Surviving another day is a gift. When we're not exactly at the prime time of our lives, survival is bliss. Every bless is magnified, our gratefulness is maximized. Things may suck, but we survive. It may not matter as much without the things we hoped for, but a smile helps. So, put on your biggest smile. God is fair. :)

---Picture taken by Alessandra S. Self-edited.

Ripped.

2010-04-27T16:09:00.002+07:00

"And if our always is all that we gave,
And we someday take that away,
I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day.."

picture from http://minkyloh.tumblr.com/page/1
quote: St.Patrick's Day - John C. Mayer (lyric)

Old Deviation

2010-04-24T21:09:00.003+07:00

Found an old work on my old dA account. Oh, the good old days.

2010-04-24T20:50:00.003+07:00

I feel like life has been fair to me. I know that line sounds weird, but it is what I feel. When I'm at the peak of happiness, I tend to let myself get lost in the moment. Not thinking about how it will end, or whatever, I prefer to stay in thick of it while it lasts. When I'm on my lowest point, when sorrow finds me, I tend to accept it. I, weirdly, seems to have always known every reason behind the unfortunate phases of my life. You can call it 'karma' or whatever you like, but yeah, I acknowledge them almost every time. I do ask the question "why?" multiple times, but I know, deep inside, I've always known the answer. So, to me, life has been fair. And eventhough no one likes the uncomfortable truths, including me, I guess I'm thankful for what I think I know. Maybe they're not the real reasons, but they help me find peace in myself.

Convenience

2010-04-23T19:50:00.003+07:00

"Why do people assume they are lovers?

Why can't they just be bestfriends?"

---Picture from weheartit.com. Self-made quotation.

2010-04-23T19:18:00.008+07:00

"Even something as beautiful as a clear blue sky can cry,

give yourself a break."

---Picture from weheartit.com. Self-made quotation.

Swings

2010-04-23T18:57:00.004+07:00

"Remember that feeling?

The feeling you get when you or somebody pushed you on the swing as a kid?

Like almost flying, like reaching the sky.

When your heart races of excitement and fear.

When you wish to swing higher but you're scared of falling.

Those kind of feeling?

Either it's yourself, or somebody else who pushed you and you felt those feelings,

there was no difference, wasn't there?

That's it.

There's no difference."

---Picture from weheartit.com. Self-made quotation.

Monochrome

2010-04-23T18:32:00.004+07:00

"They say colors are good. In art, and in life. I say that's
true.

The bad thing about it is its wide range. Its extremity. One's hyped,
feisty, and colorful. The other one is pure dark.

They say colors are good. I say so too. But this time, I'm
doing black&white.

In search of certainty, purity, stability.

And I say, life's good. No matter what."

----Picture from weheartit. Self-made quotation.

Blindfolded.

2010-04-23T17:50:00.002+07:00

It is easier to talk and mumble about the beauty of love rather than mentioning the kinds of hurt it brings. When we're deep in love, well, nothing seems to be wrong. Even when we know it is wrong, we don't care. 'Cause love's supposed to conquer all, isn't it?

Love blinds you. I'm not writing this just because it disappointed me, but yeah love does blind your rational views. What can go wrong? What can be wrong if it's in the name of love? For the sake of love? That's the ideal, isn't it?

Everything is right when you're in love. When you're fighting for it. Even when you feel like it's wrong, you'll always find a reason, if not more. Ignoring things you keep questioning is also not that hard. The beauty of love overshines them. Even the things you hate at first, things you despise in the past.

And I'm not saying it's always wrong. I'm not denying the power nor the beauty of love itself. I'm just saying, sometimes, it is temporary. Yes, you may be lucky to find your forever soon, but you also may not.

Love lets your heart take over your mind.
It's not always wrong, but some times it is.
Some times, we just don't have the courage to acknowledge it.
And other times, it isn't even love.

Well, yeah.

Bitter.

2010-04-20T13:57:00.001+07:00

You know, I really wish I can say "I could care less", but the truth is I couldn't. I can't, and maybe it's okay. I won't stay that way though, I'm not gonna let my self be sucked into some blackhole with no way out.

God knows I've done many wrongs, but this time I'm gonna play it right. I was told what I believe to be true was wrong, I believed that, and that was where everything became so messed up. I now believe what's right, and nobody's ideal is gonna wrong me.

I can't say "I hold no grunge", again, I'm no saint. I'm not gonna interfere, and I believe that's enough.

Don't let others' ideals wrong yours. It's not worth it. It's not.

Carry on.
I'm done obsessing on wastes.
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Greetings,

2010-03-09T11:45:00.001+07:00

Greetings, bloggerworld.

I apologize for the lack of posts this blog is having. The days have been very hectic, and unstable.

As I've mentioned before, I had a break-up. And we're still separated. I was mourning, a lot, for recent past days, but I'm hoping from now on, I will no longer be, and I'll continuously stay at peace.

The thing is, when he broke up with me, I was so angry. I couldn't digest the fact that a break-up itself was necessary. And I kept feeling that for some days after. I was lost. In deep misery I shouldn't have had.

Now I'm seeing everything clearer. I still hold a grunge, well I'm no saint, but I'm relieved. I was fighting for him, in many ways which he didn't respond well to, but now it's time to let go.

It takes two to build a relationship, or revive what's left of it.
I couldn't do it alone, I still can't.
So, maybe this is the time to give up.
Maybe this is the time when I have to cut him off without expecting his comeback.
Maybe it's time for me to stand on my own feet, and stop needing his guidance.

I gave all I could. I loved wholeheartedly.
What I need is unconditional love.
With no requirements, with no terms of condition, with no temporary time limit.

I don't need an era of love, I need one love to stay.

Xoxo,
Ardelia.
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Through This Quote

2010-03-01T16:33:00.001+07:00

": Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.

And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. "

- Gigi, from "He's Just Not That Into You"

---------------
Well, I guess you guys can figure out what happened through that quote. I lost my boyfriend. And I'm trying to build myself up again.

Till my next post,
Ardelia.
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S.O.S

2010-02-15T14:33:00.001+07:00

Hello, blogger world.

Life has been... Exhausting. There's no break. And wishing for it doesn't help, at all. The awful pressure clearly doesn't help, at all.

Time flies, and my confidence grows weaker. My will is absent somehow. And I can't figure why.

Happiness is still around, fortunately. I just, I just wish for a break. No, I just wish for a way to enjoy this.

God, give me my strong-will back. I beg You, please...
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Please, don't.

2010-02-01T17:34:00.001+07:00

Cause when you don't really care,
You shouldn't meddle in.

Cause then you'll let your biased judgments play,
And you'll hurt the ones on the other side.

Cause then you'll let your emotion eats you up,
And you won't let your eyes see how you're supposed to be.

Cause by then,
You won't know what's right or wrong.
You just say what your heart desires to.

And it's not always okay to follow your heart,
When there's one other heart breaking,
Just because of your so called 'objective' views.
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I've been doing this kind of thing,

2010-01-31T19:20:00.001+07:00

Eternal Burial

2010-01-14T21:06:00.000+07:00

Sometimes it is impossible to make some particular questions vanish.
Burying it may be easier.
Bury it with positive thoughts, kindness,
Or even with anger, or hatred.

Sometimes there's no other choice,
but to bury them.
Maybe they were never meant to be vanished.
Cause maybe, just maybe,
You're meant to ask, on some-random-day.

Bittersweet

2010-01-08T18:08:00.001+07:00

I was ruined the first time.
Not literally my first cut,
yet it was my deepest.
I dragged myself soulless,
I fought,
Then I gave up on hope.

I was saved.
In a blissful way, hope returned.
I was in love, then I lost us.
Maybe you didn't believe it,
I was real. I was true. To us.
You may say differently,
I know you know what's real.

I was troubled, I got out.
You lingered, I'm awake.
I'm yours, never planned differently.
I don't want another cut,
I want forever.

Some may think,
I give my heart, as easy as I write this.
I change lovers, oh so easily.
For what it's worth,
I've got to say this:
Cut the crap.
You know none.

In love and bitterness,
D.

Selfish Stabs

2010-01-04T18:51:00.001+07:00

No, I can't really plan my tomorrow.
I don't know what's the weather,
Will it rain, will the sun shines?
I won't know.

Will I start with a smile, Or will cry?
How am I supposed to know?

I don't care to guess,
I don't waste my time.
Suspicion is not mine to hold,
I won't waste time judging.

I can just live, and so can you.
I can let live, and so should you.
I can perfectly shine, and you may too.
I can simply stab, oh don't let me to.

I live to love. To laugh. To life.
You may see me cry, and I won't deny.
You may see me curse, and I won't hide and froze.

I live me. I live my life.
You're in? Well, welcome.
You're out? Okay, goodbye.

Trust me, I'm good.
You mess with me?
No, that's no good.

This is selfish.
So? Be it.

Sincerely,
D.

Midnight Post

2010-01-02T00:11:00.001+07:00

It doesn't make sense.
How I met you just yesterday,
Heard your voice just an hour ago,
And I already am missing you.

It's not rational.
How I can't stand your absence.
How I always tried to wake you up,
And felt really bad when you didn't.

I guess love works beyond logic.
I guess maybe, that means, I love you.

Two Thousand and Ten

2010-01-01T23:28:00.001+07:00

2009 was good, was surprising, was cool.
I got through so many things, and I feel good about how I faced them.
I'm at peace on how things ended, started, reacted to each other, and so on.

Faced break-ups, started new loves, been falsely talked about, hell yeah.
I've cursed, I've cried, I've mourned, but most thankfully: I've survived.
I've been cursed at, laughed at, insulted, yet above all: I've been loved. I am loved.

I had been in some messy, dark, hurtful stages, but I saw the light.
I was shined on.
I've struggled, fought, stood for myself, and all and all,
I'm with no regret.

2009 had everything.
Gave many things, handed changes.
In spite of how sarcastic it was, I saw honesty.
Despite how rough it was, I was blessed with strength.

Welcome, 2010.
I'm up for challenges.
You may go hard on me,
just don't ignore my dreams.

I'm open for your suggestions and directions.
Truly,
D.
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I've got them, I've got love.

2009-12-28T18:33:00.001+07:00

17

2009-12-28T11:04:00.001+07:00

December 26, was my birthday. And this year, last Saturday, I turned 17.

And God, it was great. The best birthday I've ever had.

I stayed up waiting for the clock to strike 12 on December 25. I was nervous, excited, a clutter of feelings at once. And when the day finally came, I feel happy. Like outrageously happy. I'm thankful to God for giving me another birthday, and to my loved ones for making it mattered by sending wishes, and prayers to me.

In the morning, my Mom cooked a very nice breakfast, and it was pleasant. Went to Plaza Senayan for a facial treatment, then to my aunt's house for lunch, but right after I finished my meal my Mom asked for me to went straight home. I was confused but I nodded along.

I was home, when my precious bestfriends gave me a surprise. It was very lovely. I'm grateful, I almost burst into tears. Thank you Dina, Erin, aLess, Istina, Aya, and Serra.

I threw a birthday dinner yesterday, December 27. In a restaurant called The Apartment. The place is decorated like an apartment, I used the Bedroom and Pantry. I was very nervous, maybe from 1-2 weeks before. Fortunately on the day of, it all went really well. Most of the invited guests came. The place was almost full. And I'm very very happy.

In the middle of the event, I got another surprise from PO XLIV. They sang me happy birthday and they brought a cactus shaped standing card with wishes and photographs on it. Thank you guys, thank you :)

And the night goes on, just smoothly. My last group of guests went home around 11. And my family and I went home shortly after. I was smiling all the way. Replying some tweets I got about my dinner.

All and all, I'm thankful for the previous 2 days. They were such a bliss. Despite my boyfriend's absence, it was perfect. I can never say enough gratitude to my best friends and my family for making it so.

Thank you guys, again, and again. I love you all very much. Thank You God, for letting me have them, and a beautiful birthday.

I'm 17. And I hope I'll be a better person.

Love,
Ardelia.

--- p.s. Photos coming up! Maybe after New Year's ;)

Radiation

2009-12-19T22:59:00.001+07:00

December

2009-12-18T16:12:00.001+07:00

Christmas is coming, holiday's here.
The festive feeling is creeping in lovely ways.
The year is ending, a new year is hopefully coming.
How the sunlight touches my skin instead of raindrops, is as peaceful.

I'm loving how the days have been.
I'm loving how December has been.
I love how everything is in harmony,
I love how blissfully normal everything has been, lately.

It's nice to see my best friends laugh,
to see how beautiful they truly are.
It's peaceful to have such good conditions at home.
It's lovely to feel how addicted I am to his appearance in my days.

The days has been lovely, has been safe.
My loved ones have been very loving.
Everything is....... Flawless.
Despite some bitterness there were,
I can only taste how sweet, how sweet December has been.

------ Love, D.

Eyra

2009-12-05T14:00:00.001+07:00

I was always secure. I'm into extreme things. Jumped off a cliff, dived the sky, anything, you pick. Ghost house, cheesy. The haunted mansion, corny. I guess my scare-nerve is insensitive.

Then I found this thing. This thing that for once, for a moment I never thought I would have, scares me. I don't know, I'm not certain. I'm completely lost on how I got myself into this. Or am I?

I guess this started 2 weeks ago. I was going to swim in this lake, Lake Eyra, if I'm not mistaken, then I met someone. It was only the 2 of us, staring at each other, cold still. I wasn't giving a damn, I rallied on, I walked nearer to the lake.

As the cold water swept my feet, the wind breezed through my cheek, I found peace, like I always did every time I do these weird things I love, that person called out to me.

"Hey!" He shouted.
I looked back, I stared.
"Never mind," he walked away.
I continued walking, and,
"Hey!" There he goes, again. I was pissed-off.
"Hey what?"
"No, you're just unusual."
"So?"
"So... Err I was just, I was just thinking you would be the perfect tutor for, err.. I just needed to be a little bit weirder, I guess.."
"What? I'm weird now? Well, that's new."
"Oh, come on. You were about to swim in a haunted lake, your relentless sarcasm is....amazing, you obviously trust black as your whole-outfit's color, you've gotta be at least a lil bit weird, rite?"
"Whatever," and I looked away from him, walked deeper into the lake.
"I'm not above begging," and he kneeled.
"Oh, damn. Ok, make this quick, please."
"I'll be out of your face as soon as I get an inch closer to the weird zone!"

So, yeah. That was how it started. That was how I, for the first time ever, agreed to help someone random. And I'm now in regret.

To be continued......

You gotta love these rainy days!

2009-11-30T11:50:00.001+07:00

1. Coping. Through the hard everyday-life of a 12th grader.
2. Having. End of Semester Exams. Gotta do good (Y)
3. Enjoying. The rainy days and cold weather.
4. Planning. Something fun, something I look forward to, woohoo!
5. Laughing. To my boyfriend's funny, and lovely jokes :)
6. Helping. My friends through their troubles. And this makes me feel good.
7. Letting. Go. Of some...things.
8. Smiling. Because of gratefulness, for God, for giving what I have now.
9. Praying. For the future I'm dreaming of to come true, someday. Some sweet day.
10. Hoping. That what I'm doing is the right thing. Or maybe, a start of being right.

Let's live to the fullest. Let's not waste time, and energy, and feelings.

Till we meet again, oh dear fellow readers,
D.

Ardelia Apti invites you to join Pinwall

2009-11-25T13:41:00.001+07:00

Hello!
Ardelia thinks that you might be interested in downloading Pinwall, the new mobile social network application for BlackBerry(R) users.

Where can I get Pinwall?
Here: http://getpinwall.com

Best regards,
The Pinwall Team

Guess who,

2009-11-17T14:48:00.003+07:00

In random order :
Serra Annisa, Hartini Soraya, Alessandra Syukrika, Dina Stephanie, Istina Dwi, Ferinda P Lestari,
Cindera Gana, Ástidira Apti, Dimico Ardan Syah Rediga, Dias Anugrah M, Annisa Sachi H, Bryan
Oscareino, Anindya, Soeminar, Robert P Siregar

1. "I hope you know I'm cool with everything now. And I hope you know that I've never lied about
how I feel towards you."
2. "You're my surprise. My sweet sweet surprise. Your sudden existence in my life is a gift, my
blue girl."
3. "I miss your tenderness, how nice and sweet you are. It's one of the thing I miss most from the
Sophomore Year"
4. "Despite the messed up stages we had been in, I wish you remember we had a fucking good
run. And I thank you for it."
5. "Remember what I asked you to do on October 25, 2008? Well you've been doing really great,
taking best care of her. I couldn't ask for anyone better for her."
6. "In one side you can be my guilty-pleasure partner, but in the other side you may be one of
the wisest thinker I know. You're as angelic as your voice."
7. "You comfort me. I hope you know how much I like being in the late student's line with you
several morning in a week."
8. "Things change, we don't only stay the same, we grow closer. And I'm glad."
9. "You're my lighthouse, Bestie. You guide me, you light my darkness, and despite how much you
like to joke on me, you truly care."
10. "I'm nothing without you, Ni. Even when sometimes I'm rude to you, you repeatedly say you
love me. You show me what unconditional love is."
11. "Lucky I'm in love with my bestfriend."
12. "3 years in Junior High will not be as beautiful as it was if I didn't have you by my side. You're
my best friend, forever."
13. "I idolize you, I do. Every time I'm asked to make a short-bio of my life's role model I write
about you. You're a magnificent man."
14. "We rarely fight as we grow older, and I wish we stay this way. And we should dance more!"
15. "Beautiful. Every time I'm asked to describe you I use that word, truly. You're hot, and it
doubles when you dance."

Which one is you? Go guess.

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